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26 Aug

How Did I Get Here?

Kelly Fisher Allie's Life, Childhood Cancer, Grief 3 0

I often wonder how I got to this place. This was not supposed to be my life. September is upon us, and I should be getting Allie ready for her last year of preschool. I should be buying her a backpack and meeting her new teacher. I should be making plans for her 5th birthday party. Or at least that’s what I thought I would be doing. So how in the world did I get here?

I was frozen for a long time after Allie died from brain cancer. I would try not to think about the horror of it all. In fact, I would push those thoughts out and go to a different place in my mind. Sometimes, I would just press rewind and go back to the glory that was my life in 2012. I’d replay those days over and over in my head. I had two healthy girls, a happy marriage, and an awesome part-time job. Those memories are gold.

Other times I would let my thoughts go down a different path. I would think about the choices in my life that led me to here. Was there a missed opportunity to avoid this place? Was I not supposed to have children? Would I have been happy with a different life?

All of these thoughts served the same purpose. I was attempting to block out the most painful memories seared into my mind. If I just thought about something else, I didn’t have to deal with the trauma of watching my child die from cancer.

I am forever scarred from finding Allie unresponsive in her bed and everything else that followed. I can still hear the sound of the door closing as her doctor gave us the devastating results of her second MRI. I can still see Allie’s lips turning blue from each seizure. I can still hear her weak voice telling me her head hurts. I can still feel her nails digging into my skin as the seizures turned violent. I can still hear the siren of the code blue. I can still feel my entire body shake as I signed a DNR. I can still remember Kyle and I kissing Allie’s face for the final time.

Blocking these memories just offered a temporary relief, and it never helped me to miss her any less. And I miss Allie so much. When your life falls apart, it’s not easy to know where to begin picking up the shattered pieces that remain. The journey over the last year has put me on a path of raising awareness and funds for pediatric brain cancer research. Which leads me back to my original thought. How did I get to this place?

The answer is easy. The odds weren’t that slim. I just wasn’t educated on it. Childhood cancer is not that rare. One in 285 children will be diagnosed with cancer before age 20. That’s a statistic that should be on every parent’s radar. I am young(ish). My daughter, Evie, is seven years old and attends elementary school with 450 other students. Childhood cancer will continue to strike in our schools and our communities, and the odds tell me that Allie will not be the only child I personally know to get cancer. Awareness is the first step in working towards better treatments and a cure.

September is childhood cancer awareness month, and it’s appropriate that the color is gold. My memories of having two healthy girls are of the same color. Gold. Please help us raise awareness of childhood cancer in September. Wear gold ribbons or shoelaces and share Allie’s story with your family and friends. We are turning the Team Little Owl logo gold in recognition of this important month – to honor the children that have died, the ones still fighting, the ones who survived, and the ones not yet diagnosed.


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3 Responses to How Did I Get Here?

  1. Cheri Gallion

    August 27, 2014 at 8:35 am

    Kelly, these are some of the most poignant words I have ever read. The way you share you heart and soul is amazing and beautiful. And to inspire and teach us at the same time is to see how far you have come in your grief. You and Kyle and Evie are such incredible examples of turning your tragedy into positive outcomes. Bless you in all your efforts and energy given so others do not have to experience what you have been through. Allie is smiling down and so proud watching you honor her!
    We are so privileged to be part of Head for the Cure and help in a small way.
    Love and blessings to you and your family.

    Reply
  2. Jeri

    August 27, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    Thank you for bearing your heart and soul to us. Each time you write I learn a little more about this devasting disease and gain a little more understanding of the grief you are going through. I continue to pray for you, my son and granddaughter that you all will find a bright light in the darkness by holding each other, loving each other and finding the Gold in your dedication to raising awareness pediatric brain cancer. Keep on taking these small steps forward! Keep sharing. Love you, Jeri

    Reply
  3. John

    November 26, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Kelly I just shared Team Little Owl’s website with a good friend of mine in St. Louis, two of his nieces three daughters have been diagnosed with Batten’s disease, which I guess is ultimately terminal. I wanted to share with them how you have managed to cope with Allie’s loss. Your writing is so courageous and inspiring for those who are grieving similarly, so it might offer some comfort to my friend’s niece and their family to help them with their tragedy. Love, John and Susan

    Reply

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2021 KC Head For The Cure 5K!

On August 29th, please join us for an uplifting day, walking with friends and family to honor those who have fought or are fighting brain cancer. We will celebrate Allie’s life and legacy while raising awareness about pediatric brain cancer.

Join Team Little Owl at HFTC 2021

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