It has been just over a year since Allie died from gliomatosis cerebri. We have tried our best to be open about our journey. We are fortunate to have family and friends that take an interest in how we are doing, and they understand that it continues to be a great struggle to function daily without Allie. People are curious, and we get all types of questions about how things are at home. When asked, I have always tried my best to answer these questions honestly and openly. Here are the three questions that seem to come up the most often. Some of you know these answers already, but others may have wondered the same things.

Will you have another baby?

No. This is a natural curiosity given that Kyle and I are both still young enough to have more children. If we were ten years older, this question wouldn’t even come up. I have often said that my life felt complete after Allie was born. I never wanted another child, and her death has not changed that. I knew I was blessed to have two incredibly awesome girls, and I still have two incredibly awesome girls. One daughter continues to grow, and the other daughter I carry in my heart. They both continue to shine in my life. Could we change our minds? Maybe…but I highly doubt we will. Suffering such a loss has put us on a different path in life. We are committed to raising awareness and funds in Allie’s memory, and we strive to keep Evie’s life as stable as possible.

Do you think you will move?

No. I can see where some might think it would be helpful for us to move to a new house. There are constant reminders of our past life, and Allie’s absence is always magnified at home. But Evie loves her school and starting a new school would just be another loss. So much has already changed in a year, and moving would create more instability in Evie’s life.

Moving to a different house within the same school boundary would not change anything for the better. We already have the best neighbors, and they have been a huge blessing to us. They knew and loved our sweet Allie. They have shown us that we are not alone and that they grieve for her too. They are the ones that came up with a plan for us to survive Allie’s birthday last year by creating Allie’s Sale. They turned a garage sale into a beautiful community event that showcased the generosity of everyone in the area. They raised $4,500 for the Children’s Brain Tumor Project. It was also a TON of work, and we are grateful that they are just crazy enough to do it again this year. So mark your calendars and clean your closets! The 2nd Annual Allie’s Sale will be held this year on October 16th to 18th in Overland Park.

What did you do with Allie’s things?

I was able to put the preschool toys from our basement and family room into a pile to donate to Allie’s Sale. We don’t have a preschooler, and it just felt weird to have those toys out in the main living areas of our house. Evie is surely not going to play with them anymore, so the sale has given us a place to put such toys to good use. We have chosen to keep Allie’s room the same for now. I don’t need the bedroom for anything else, so there is no hurry to change it. It sits at the top of our stairs, so we have to pass by it multiple times a day. Evie prefers for the door to stay open, and we have agreed to follow her wishes. It is difficult to walk by Allie’s room knowing that she will never be playing on the floor or sleeping in her bed. But her room reminds me of the best time in my life, and it is by far the cutest room in the house. We decorated it with owls when she switched to a big girl bed, and it really just reflects Allie’s personality.

I am still unable to confront the items in her room. The clothes remain in the dresser drawers. The owl stickers that she stuck to the front of her dresser are still on there. The books that she treasured remain on the shelf. The window sill is filled with her stuffed animals. The closet contains more of Allie’s clothes and some still have the tags on them. But next to those clothes, the closet tells a different story. It is filled with her medical records and the poster boards of pictures that we displayed at her memorial service. Those items tell the story of the end and shoving them in her closet seems appropriate for now. I know there will come a time when I will feel at peace with changing her room. I can’t predict when that will be, so for the foreseeable future, it will remain Allie’s room.

I can’t say that it gets any easier to answer these questions, but I think it’s important to share our grief journey with everyone. We continue to follow our instincts, and we don’t worry about what we should or should not be doing. We take solace in knowing that Allie’s spirit will continue to shine over us as we do our best to navigate in the days ahead.